Shploosh!

I have recently come into fatherhood. I must say that there really is no way anyone can prepare for the reality that is being a parent. You hear a lot of encouraging stories from parents to make sure that you’ll get through everything as have other parents with no experience. Well… No one, and I mean this, NO ONE prepared me for what happened when my little girl was born. So I would like to assist in this with my experience;

While planning for a little one, I was the one that wanted a girl. I was the only person that was hoping for a girl, as there are already an overflow of estrogen in my family. You can imagine that I was excited when we discovered the little “turtle like bulge” meant that I was going to get my way (as usual I must say). Ok, now, let’s just skip all of the details up until the actual event. You can hear people talk about pregnant women and their crazy antics elsewhere. (My wife was absolutely perfect during the whole affair. You would never have known she was pregnant.)
Ok, so here we are in the hospital, my wife has already had an epidural, on top of other happy fun time cocktails. Despite this, there are still three of us holding her down in her supposed child bearing agony. Seriously ladies, do you have to make such a fuss about it? Everyone has had the crap that was too big to come out without a bit of pain and tearing. Just deal with it, it’s not that bad. So, we are humoring my wife and trying our best to appear sympathetic to her “labor”. The doctor is crouched and prepared to receive the pitch. Three pushes and one audible *sound effect removed by censors* later, the doctor asks if I would like to cut the cord.
Let me take a second here to explain that I’m no fool. My wife, who I have already expressed is a drama queen, has just gone through the required 9 months of duty for this child, and the doctor wants to know if I would like to take a pair of scissors and cut the cord (which is connected to the baby) and possibly risk being the cause of the baby bleeding to death. I would never hear the end of it! Can you imagine the nagging I would get? “HELL NO!” and I looked for the closest person to throw over the grenade. My sister gladly took the task and sliced up my newborn.
Ok, now that all of the buildup is done and the baby is here, the nurses have cleaned her up and she’s ready to be held, they pass her to me. This is the first time I thought “no one could have prepared me for this”. You see, this is because no one tells you what you are supposed to do if you have an ugly baby. I don’t mean the “oh she’ll grow out of it” homely look. I mean the “That’s great, you passed me an afterbirth burrito, now where is my baby?” kind of ugly. I’m a logical guy, so I know right off that dropping the baby to puke is not an option because of the nagging which will ensue from my wife if the baby hits the floor. Knowing this, I did the only thing that one can in this situation and I puked on my newborn baby. No problem really, everyone in the room just chalks it up to nerves. “Dad must be nervous and have the jitters.” Nerves. Right. No, I was disgusted, heartbroken, and frightened all at the same time. I had to suffer through 9 months of a pregnancy for Gollum? Fuck that! Now I’d gotten pretty pissed. I chucked the lump of “baby” to my wife and just said “great job, you baked up a mongoloid loaf.”

Well, it’s been some time since then and I have had a while to get used to the whole thing. I love my wife. I have even learned to love my “daughter”, Steve. I do not love having to list our daughter as a pet for booking purposes. I do not love taking family pictures and being told that it was a good idea to bring the potted plant for scenery. These things I will never love. I may stop resenting my wife for the unpleasant surprise one day, but that is not today.